Stressed and burnt out but with a vision and an insight into who I really am and who I'd really like to be like

As writers we all subconsciously write about what we know, even if we are writing about sci-fi or some other form of genre. We do write about the people who have moulded us, shaped us for the future. I'm sure when Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, it was someone she knew subconsciously, someone who needed help, maybe it was her.

At the moment and for the last couple of years I've been writing a series of sci-fi stories for publication, the character Miguel is strong, psychic, telekinetic, he's a cop, he can use a gun, his favourite is the black Beretta, it fits snug in his hand. He can hold his breath for 20 mins underwater, he climbs trees and sleeps in them when he wants to be on his own. He's a fighter, he knows how to do fiddly, tricky electrical things, can rewire stuff, can make home made bombs and can turn his hand to many things. He loves his family and would walk over hot coals if it meant keeping them safe. He's everything I want to be, I want to learn to swim, not so I can hold my breath for that long, but just because I want to be able to overcome a confidence problem. I want to learn Martial Arts because he can do that, he can fight and take on several opponents and come out, yes covered in blood normally, but a victor at the end. I can use a gun, I went to a rifle club as a teenager, I know the safety points, I'm not an idiot, but I can't wire a plug to save my life. He's had a lot of trauma to deal with throughout his life and so have I, but whereas he had a network of support through various people in his life, I didn't, not really and not when I needed it the most.

Djak, Will, Joe, Sonny, Ben are all characters who have been there for Miguel throughout his life, in one way or another. They've been there in many ways, to protect him, to steer him in the right direction and to guide him, teach him to read and write, teach him new languages that would enable him in his future.

The Professor is the antagonist in the whole story, he's a dangerous, manipulative man who will stop at nothing to get Miguel exactly where he wants him. He doesn't kill him, he experiments on him, he screws up his mind with various levels of hynotic mind games that mess him up on various levels too.
I had a bad experience as a child, a man who was very manipulative and created a lot of shit in my adult life as I didn't have the support back then to deal with it. I can see that now. The mind is all powerful, it puts aside these things until we're old enough to deal with it, but I needed someone back then because now, with stress, I've stored so many things to one side to get on with life, that I have had to stop work. Ok work also stressed me out, the lack of support where needed, the constant battles of going to classrooms where I wasn't needed, or they didn't exist, or for the child requiring support, wasn't allowed to enter. Manic to every degree imaginable!
So I stepped out of the circle of madness and am now at home writing, but the story of Miguel is drifting away from me, the spark has all but gone. I need to focus on me, then I can focus on the story.

It would appear that this story is about me on so many levels, but through the eyes of a man who can take on the challenges before him and with his support network can reach his destination without too much of a problem. I envy him. I have to be like him in order to get through my grief. Am I ready to let go? Am I ready to say goodbye to Miguel? No, not yet.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

So the celebrations are over with, schools go back on Monday, can't say I'm too disappointed by that. I could do with the money - I've only £20 to last a fortnight, hmm!
Christmas was ok, I made my usual resolutions and sat aghast tonight to see the new Doctor emerge as Matt Smith. An almost unknown, and not sure if he's the right choice. But having never watched Ruby and the Smoke or any of the other things he's done, I'll see what he's like, I suppose.
One things for sure, a huge fan base will leave Doctor Who when David Tennant finishes. It will be a sad day for all of us Whovians who have been a fan of David's and watched him run across the Universe. Every actor who has taken on the role has always made it his own, so I guess we just have to wait and see.

I'm waiting to see the results of my asthma test on Wednesday, having already been told I'm to have a chest x-ray, I'm a tad worried. Would have been happier had the doctor informed me of that on Wednesday as at least I could have successfully got through the festivities without that hanging over me and causing me to think of things beginning with the letter C.

Yeah, so, that said, I've to wait and find out when I go for that, so working on Monday is a good way of putting these worries to the back of my mind and concentrating on my job. Kids are always a good reason to forget your worries and concentrate on them.

I've started blitzing the house my room in particular. I've decided I need to sell a load of things and will need to search out some sites and car boot sales over the next few months. I have a book to save for and new items to buy in the stores replacing the old stuff in the kitchen and selling the dog cage. Way too big and in the way now. Although having said that, we do have the gas men calling soon to sort out the gas pipes and the dog will need to be caged for that. So perhaps should wait until after then.

Right feeling the urge to complete another jigsaw so will head back downstairs and watch mindless tv with my smoker husband. It's probably what's been causing all the breathlessness with me, it's his fault. I've probably got passive smokers disease or something.
Perhaps I should hang the jigsaw and concentrate on my story now, just in case.

Oh for the love of .............

OK, I'm not the computer literate person I thought I was. I may have passed my ECDL but that doesn't make me a genius does it!
For the best part of the day I have been trying - unsuccessfully to burn a cd, or infact burn a dvd-rw to no avail.
First up the videos that I collected from YouTube on Doctor Who and David Tennant to music from some bloody good people who know how to make music vids were on RealPlayer. This in itself I thought not a problem. However, IT IS!

I tried to burn a dvd-rw disc but it rejected it and said I needed a cd-r which I understand to be audio and not visual. But after a lot of frustration, accepted this and sorted out my videos to be burned onto the disc. Then I was met with 'Computer does not have enough virtual memory - windows will rectify this problem. So for about almost an hour I sat and waited and waited and still nothing emerged, in fact the whole screen froze. So I thought I'd try and give my computer more virtual memory. But then that was a problem, because I didn't know what I was doing and didnt want to destroy my only means of keeping in touch with friends and family. So I decided to delete games and other non important items off the computer to free up space. That too froze on the screen. I pressed ctrl, alt, del and everything went off. So retried and got the same freeze. I did a scan for bugs, quarantined 97 adware cookies and started again.
The time is nearing 4:30pm, son is moaning he's hungry and wants cereal, I refuse him access to the cupboard and offer biscuit to keep him going while I struggle to maintain a sense of calm.

Needless to say, after three hours of trying to get disc copied or burned (copying was going to take 6 hours and 31 minutes), I turned off the computer and made tea and this is now the first time back on since I left for tea. It's a little after 10:30pm. I am calmer if not a little pissed off, and still without disc recorded and saved for prosperity.

I like Obscuras work on Youtube and his approach to AvenueQ and Doctor Who sketch 'If you were gay', and apart from a few others, I really want to keep it on file so that I can watch it in the comfort of my own room while I'm ironing. I don't want to use it anywhere else, just for me. How hard can it be to do this? Absolutely bloody impossible without a computer geek sitting beside me, spots and frizzy hair and glasses. I'd settle for the glasses and a Time Lord right now, might be a lot better than the usual geek.

So if anyone does happen to read my posts, please offer some assistance as I'd be very happy.

So much for last post of 2008, but you can't be expected to get everything right, can you?

The last post of 2008

Ahh, the end of 2008 is creeping ever closer! It's been a good year for me. I've got a job which is better than last year as I think I didn't. I had a lot of rejections for my Voscarian Child story, but it was a good thing, because it made me see that I still had a long way to go before it was finally ready for publication, and let's face it, AuthorHouse Publishing have offered to publish my book if its any good, so I have until Autumn 2009 to save the money and get the book ready.
I have also been doing an OU course on Fiction writing and its helped, my work is now more detailed, I understand more about different approaches to stories and ok if I don't pass this time around, I do know my way around the storytelling. I can always take it again.

I have a lot of plans for 2009, mostly the plans I had for 2008 pushed onto the new year, but only because I couldnt achieve them - I wasn't ready. I still aim to see David Tennant in the new year but whether its going to be in Cardiff or another venue is yet to be discovered.

I'm also wondering how they're going to write him out of Doctor Who, I'm sure he's already got an inkling as to what that is, I just hope his predecessor isn't someone we've already seen in the show. It will be hard to top David as the Doctor, I think they'll lose a massive fan base when he leaves, but hopefully with Steven Moffatt at the helm, their writing should still be worth hiding behind the sofa for.

This year 2008 I got asthma, not something I relish, makes me very yukky and tired and lethargic, but that could be the iron deficiency and low blood count. Never a good combination, so next year 2009 I need to take better care of myself. Hardly likely to see David Tennant if I'm stuck in a hospital bed or my own am I?
I also hope my other half wins his case against his employers then at least I won't hear anymore about it. It's been going on now for almost 2 years.

So with the kids about to tear strips off each other and drive me insane and unable to study and settle and cope with the computer work because I'm constantly interrupted, I'll go now and find something that needs doing before the end of the year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. And let's hope its a good one!

Sleigh Bells and galoshes

Ho Ho Ho!

Yes the festive season is once again upon us and I'm loving it. Actually I am, for once in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas and not because after Christmas we all get back to normal and carry on with our lives. I've been looking forward to my holiday with gusto, have you met gusto, say hello! It's ok, I've not been on the egg nog yet, what is egg nog, sort of sounds nice until you consider the egg. Hmm!

Well the presents are wrapped, the food is in, its raining outside and Frankie Goes to Hollywood are finishing off Power of Love for the umpteenth time. David Tennant is out of hospital and seen by Pauline in the streets of London - oh what I would give to see David Walking down the streets of Annan - yeah, like that would happen! Although stranger things have happened, dunno what, but they have happened.

I almost miss the frost and the icy blast, beats the rain anyday. I'm glad its the holidays, I've been needing this break and not feel bad for taking an impromptu day off on thursday because of the asthma and low blood thingy. At least now I can quite happily snuggle up on the sofa, watch the kids batter hell out of each other on the playstation or watch re-runs of Doctor Who and hug the cushion as I smile at David.

I'm going to make a few resolutions, I always do. I used to make 20, because I could guarantee I would achieve maybe one or two of them, but this time I'm limiting myself.

1. To have my first sci-fi novel published in Autumn 2009
2. To meet David Tennant before the end of 2009
3. To look after ME more health and wealth wise
4. To have a profitable bank account for once.

I need to look after myself more next year. I mean let's face it, I care about everyone else all of the time and I ignore myself equally as much. So for once and more often than I do at the moment, I aim to pamper myself, treat myself and be selfish more.

Ok, I do also aim to care for others, but I aim to care for myself in equal measures. The first two resolutions kind of cover that anyway, becoming a successful writer and meeting the other man of my dreams has to be worth aiming for, don't you think?

So off to blitz the house in order to achieve a quiet, less stressful Christmas - HA WHO AM I KIDDING!

I may or may not be on my blog for the entire festive period, so will say this now: MERRY XMAS ONE AND ALL AND HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR AND GET PLASTERED, YOU'LL HAVE THE WHOLE YEAR TO GET OVER ANY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS BEFORE YOU DO THEM ALL AGAIN ANYWAY.

Anger

To cast a vote, he thought and wrote
On the board, he scored another note.
Of why he thought he caught the stoat
Of dreams, he screams but not denote.

The blessed theme, to dream is true
To run is fun when skies are blue
And yet, I bet in all we do
Is stay to play around the pool.

I feel surreal but in a dream
That you do too and I could scream
Is time the crime, does milk have cream
It's sad - I go mad beside the stream.

I look in the book, the pages are torn
The bind to remind me that I was born.
In a year not feared but many were sworn
On oaths, where both would face the dawn.

I stink of the drink that I toasted today
When war killed a score before melting away
Where he died, as he tried in skies of grey
To diffuse the abused but got in the way.

Goodbye, I cry and the tears do fall
From my face, the disgrace that will kill us all.
From the son to the gun, the shadows grow tall
From bowed heads to the dead and the very small.

From this life, to the wife who holds the child
From the man to the ban that made him wild.
From the mother to the brother frustrated and riled
To me as you see so corrupt and defiled.

Lies my worth, my rebirth, ho such a lie
I can run from the sun, but I'm not shy.
I look in the book and the truth will fly
From my mouth heading south on the day you die!

Copyright 2008

Einstein And Eddington and a box of hankies.

I'm still with the blue!

My eTMA's are in, the first part of my coursework is over, and now to work on the second part. Part of me thinks I should knuckle down tonight, but my head is spinning after watching Einstein And Eddington - brilliant film. I'm no scientist, I like science and I found the film easy going and able to follow the pattern of gravity and admire Einstein a hell of a lot more now. Mostly because what he believed in was worth believing in, if you see what I mean. He was a theorist. Eddington I felt sorry for in a lot of ways and ok David Tennant was playing the part of him and he puts so much feeling into his characters that you couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Eddington was gay but he couldn't say he was, it was probably frowned upon, but his sister knew and that bit by the tree where he cried because his friend was gassed in Ypres by the Germans, well the tears were welling up inside of me. Although having said that, I was emotional with Einstein too. Both brilliant scientists in their own right being persecuted for their beliefs and both struggling to prove a theory which they did in the end.

I think I'll be reading a lot more science books from now on, so that I can understand more of the world around me and take an interest - and it all helps for the science fiction anyway.

My sister managed to acquire 2000 books today and I spent about an hour poring over some of those books and bought a few. Mostly about science and space and Doctor Who, surprise surprise. But the Doctor Who book is about the series from 1963 - 1989, so not in the time of the 10th Doctor, but lots to read.

She has loads of books from different topics and anyone wanting to buy any should contact me and I will pass the information on, should anyone feel they want to read any of what I write. Probably not!