Stressed and burnt out but with a vision and an insight into who I really am and who I'd really like to be like

As writers we all subconsciously write about what we know, even if we are writing about sci-fi or some other form of genre. We do write about the people who have moulded us, shaped us for the future. I'm sure when Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, it was someone she knew subconsciously, someone who needed help, maybe it was her.

At the moment and for the last couple of years I've been writing a series of sci-fi stories for publication, the character Miguel is strong, psychic, telekinetic, he's a cop, he can use a gun, his favourite is the black Beretta, it fits snug in his hand. He can hold his breath for 20 mins underwater, he climbs trees and sleeps in them when he wants to be on his own. He's a fighter, he knows how to do fiddly, tricky electrical things, can rewire stuff, can make home made bombs and can turn his hand to many things. He loves his family and would walk over hot coals if it meant keeping them safe. He's everything I want to be, I want to learn to swim, not so I can hold my breath for that long, but just because I want to be able to overcome a confidence problem. I want to learn Martial Arts because he can do that, he can fight and take on several opponents and come out, yes covered in blood normally, but a victor at the end. I can use a gun, I went to a rifle club as a teenager, I know the safety points, I'm not an idiot, but I can't wire a plug to save my life. He's had a lot of trauma to deal with throughout his life and so have I, but whereas he had a network of support through various people in his life, I didn't, not really and not when I needed it the most.

Djak, Will, Joe, Sonny, Ben are all characters who have been there for Miguel throughout his life, in one way or another. They've been there in many ways, to protect him, to steer him in the right direction and to guide him, teach him to read and write, teach him new languages that would enable him in his future.

The Professor is the antagonist in the whole story, he's a dangerous, manipulative man who will stop at nothing to get Miguel exactly where he wants him. He doesn't kill him, he experiments on him, he screws up his mind with various levels of hynotic mind games that mess him up on various levels too.
I had a bad experience as a child, a man who was very manipulative and created a lot of shit in my adult life as I didn't have the support back then to deal with it. I can see that now. The mind is all powerful, it puts aside these things until we're old enough to deal with it, but I needed someone back then because now, with stress, I've stored so many things to one side to get on with life, that I have had to stop work. Ok work also stressed me out, the lack of support where needed, the constant battles of going to classrooms where I wasn't needed, or they didn't exist, or for the child requiring support, wasn't allowed to enter. Manic to every degree imaginable!
So I stepped out of the circle of madness and am now at home writing, but the story of Miguel is drifting away from me, the spark has all but gone. I need to focus on me, then I can focus on the story.

It would appear that this story is about me on so many levels, but through the eyes of a man who can take on the challenges before him and with his support network can reach his destination without too much of a problem. I envy him. I have to be like him in order to get through my grief. Am I ready to let go? Am I ready to say goodbye to Miguel? No, not yet.